Retired Husband

AFTER I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on trips to the local department store. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women—she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the department store:

Dear Mrs Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and we have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

August 14: Moved a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “Pick me! Pick me!”

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”

October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room.

October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”